The Experience of Marriage

Today is our 20th wedding anniversary. During all those years since that day in Paris, when the Lady Mayoress with her Tricolor sash, amid the gilt pomp and huge vases of flowers, married Nick and me, we have been severely tested on our commitment to stand by each other, for each other "for better, for worse, in sickness and in health".

We've turned our lives upside down leaving the security of careers behind us as we sallied forth into the unknown, and each of us has witnessed the other in grave states of health. All of those crises were just that, turning points in our lives, and became moments where we dived in to a deeper understanding of ourselves, each other and of a plan bigger than we could ever possibly understand.

In contrast to what many women believe, my experience is that doing food and sex are not enough to take care of a marriage. They may hint at the feminine and be ways of relaxation but they do not even come close to describing what holds a marriage together. Marriage is not cohabitation; it's not spending each other's money; it's not sharing the same address.

We were married in French, with my father providing a rather loose translation of the service into English. The vows were not about will you obey, but about things such as "you will both agreed where you live". It set a tone for our marriage. We have stayed married, despite many trials and tribulations, because I know that I can trust Nick to stand for me to make the most of my life, just as he knows that I will for his. We first met nearly 30 years ago and that companionship and commitment is what has kept us together. Not habits.

Our wedding was a very elegant day, albeit rather unconventional and arranged in an ad hoc way. When they brought the cake I was as surprised as the guests to see that it was covered in raspberry juice icing. I guess the chef had guessed pink was my favourite colour. In contrast I spent time with Grannie while I was making my wedding outfit, talking about what the differences were between being married and not being married. It was she who gave me this advice when Nick and I were buying our house together "you are both making a financial and emotional commitment in buying a house. What about a marital commitment?" In the space of a month I was a qualified Chartered Accountant, was engaged and we had bought a house. At 25 I felt that our wedding day was just the start of something.

It is also 10 years ago since I went to live in Punjab and that Nick came out to join me later in the year. That was a new level of understanding of what our lives were about together. In the 10 years that we had been married till then, we had begun to lead almost separate lives, dictated to by our careers (our choice) in stark contrast to the previous ten we had been together. I was heavily tested to decide what I would stand for and whether I would give up my marriage or not. Actually, there was no choice in the end and I'm deeply grateful that I stuck to that decision.

I've been asked how I deal with Nick going away for such long periods when he goes to photograph. It surprises me. It is his choice and I support 100% what he does, I have total complete faith in him and his outstanding ability as a photographer and the projects that he works on. I always supported his work too before, although how it adversely affected him was often more than I could bear. I appreciate Nick for his wisdom, his street-wise common sense and his straightness and I trust him completely. Once his mother asked me if I was going to let him get a motorbike. "Of course, I trust him and if that's what he wants, but he's got to get me the stuff so I can go on the back with him." What, she said, you trust him to drive you on that. "Yes, I married him, didn't I". (and I love being a biker's chick!)

As a tragic footnote to this, I add that on Monday we go to my brother's wife's memorial service. They met four years ago and were married almost two years ago when she was 26 and he 36. 3 months after their wedding she was diagnosed with leukaemia and spent more than half their married life in hospital, often with him sleeping on a cot beside her. She was an angel, adored by everyone, most of all my brother. There has been a lot of healing. I urge you too to learn never to take anything for granted, not least the person you are married to.